


Pretty.

by tylersfloral



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, F/M, Flashbacks, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Original Character(s), Other, Pansexual Character, Past Child Abuse, References to Depression, like really bad ones imo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 07:08:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11202978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tylersfloral/pseuds/tylersfloral
Summary: The five times Josh gets his heart broken and the one time he doesn't.





	Pretty.

**Author's Note:**

> This was kinda weird and kinda sad, but also fun to write. Number three began differently but ended up becoming a whole other thing and sorry if it's a touchy subject.
> 
> ALSO!!! It's implied that Josh and Tyler end up together, just not directly stated. Maybe I'll add to this eventually. Who knows.

1.

Josh is thirteen the first time.

Josh is sitting on the park bench in his neighborhood and there's tears trekking down his cheeks; not too many, but enough for anyone to take a glance and know that something bad happened. And it did.

It's not the best feeling in the world for your friend to up and leave you behind.

Josh never considered himself entirely straight. In his eyes, anyone that was attractive was attractive. He's been combatting with his feelings that he's noticed since he was about five, and when he finally accepted it enough to tell Cj that he was pansexual, he hoped for the best. There was nothing wrong with liking people other than the opposite gender. Nothing wrong with it at all. And it took him years to realize, and he had so much hope in his heart that his best friend would feel the same. Boy, how wrong he had been.

There were no feelings of romantic nor sexual attraction Josh held for Cj. They were solely platonic, and Josh got that out of the way immediately. But when he let the words out, it wasn't what Josh expected.

Josh only understood one reason as to why he felt like this. Josh and Cj were damn near inseparable for the past 6 years. And it's only the fact that the two were best friends that broke Josh's heart so much. Because friends can break your heart, too.

The thing is, Josh was reasonable though. He'll give a pass for many things. He understood the beginning confusion. The slight shock. But what Josh's thirteen year old mind doesn't comprehend is the disgust; the way Cj's kind face turned in to one of remorse and ignorance. They were in Josh;s neighborhood park and there's so many good memories there; of laughing and crying and secrets hidden under pillows most of the time. But now, the only thing Josh can think of as Cj walks out on their friendship is his broken heart.

 

2.

Josh is sitting on the same park bench three years later. He's sixteen, and he's holding the hand of Jay, a non-binary person he met online two years after what happened with Cj. It still hurts to think that the first person you came out to rejected your feelings, but for the most part, he'd say he's over it.

They've been talking for months, and it's nice knowing he could still get close to someone after what happened all those years ago. Josh has been managing, with what friends he still had, but there wasn't the same connection he once had. And maybe it's his fault, because letting people in became hard after a traumatic experience at that age. But after Jay came along, it all felt better in some weird way.

"I can't believe you're here," the boy murmurs. They're sitting side by side to each other, and Jay hums, leaning closer to Josh. It's quiet. Leaves rustle and the park feels like a home again.

"I know, me neither. But I am," the other sweetly responds. And Josh blushes at the words, for no apparent reason. Fuck, Josh has it bad.

It took a year of Josh being vaguely confused about everything before he almost fully recovered from the way Cj reacted. The two had obviously broken ties for good, and it was like they were never even as much as acquaintances. Luckily, Cj had enough moral to not out Josh to anyone. But not enough to stick by Josh.

There were still underlying doubts Josh had about his sexuality. How he felt fake; like a liar. As if he chose to be pansexual to be a special snowflake of some sort. But he felt more at ease when he and Jay started talking after discovering each other on a LGBT youth chat room.

It was easy for them to talk to each other about personal problems, because they were states away from each other and it's not like practically two strangers could feel too horrible from a rejection. But then, they got closer, and after saving up for almost a year to visit from Utah, here they were.

And Josh was in love.

And Josh was also impulsive.

"You're the prettiest person in the world. I'm so lucky to be best friends with you; so lucky to have you come meet the piece of shit I am in real life. Thank you for that."

They said those types of things in their friendship. It was normal.

"Don't say that, Josh. You're worth everything I spent to get here. I am as lucky to have you as you are me."

Josh blushed again and smiled. He felt the words edge its way past his mouth. Impulsive, impulsive. The same words he wanted to say for four months now, over Skype calls and texts.

"I'm in love with you."

Everything is still in the park. It is not a home anymore. It is stagnant and Josh feels like he's been put on the spot, and a light sweat breaks on his forehead.

"I'm sorry," Jay murmurs back.

Everything felt cold to Josh.

 

3.

Josh is eighteen when he moves out. It's been decided ever since two years ago, when his heart was broken for the second time. (Despite that, Josh and Jay were still as close as ever, because it's not worth throwing a friendship away to unreciprocated feelings. Josh is over it now.)

This place is a poison to him. He hates it here.

Josh hates the memories from his childhood all stagnant in a home, there for anyone to see. He hates the fact that both of his closest friends broke his heart, one intentionally and one not. He suffocates in a home that feels like it's not his and he wants out for once. Josh just wants to be able to feel like he is doing something to make himself happy. He doesn't wanna hurt anymore.

More importantly, he needs to get away from his dad.

Suddenly, Josh is thrown back to his ten year old self, and he's sitting out in the cold. He's using a towel that they used to dry their dogs after their showers. He puts on his brother's old shoes.

Josh is only wearing a pair of shorts and a shirt in the middle of winter after his dad locked him outside. There's no tears. He's used to this by now. His mom was at work, too busy to care. His siblings are upstairs, choosing to ignore what had just happened to Josh.

Josh has small hands again. His upper arm burns from where his dad scratched at him and his legs feel slightly numb where his dad dragged him by. The tiny white towel provides little to no warmth. He has the urge to run, and he looks at his backyard's brick wall. Over it is the sidewalk and then the street, and he imagines himself jumping over and running.

Then, Josh is younger. Josh is being choked by his father and is being raised off the ground and he's kicking his legs and grips the hands that strangle him. His mom and siblings stand idly by, staring. They want to yell out. They want to do something.

They don't.

He remembers all the times his dad yelled at him in ways that children shouldn't be; the way the words turned from disciplinary to abusive; from 'messy room' to 'useless fat freak'. He remembers when his mom began to be like his dad, too, and now his heart is broken for the third time in his life. He is hurt. He was abused.

Josh blinks hard, and he's back. He's back to his packed up room and he's tall again and he is not the same scared little boy anymore. (Josh is a scared man, now.) He clenches his jaw and pretends that he has grown up over what has happened to him.

 

4.

Josh is 20 the fourth time.

He is fighting for his life in an alleyway, halfway to drunk and halfway from sober. A man sits on top of him, trying to remove Josh's shirt and Josh cries out, hoping someone would come for help. The man ends up tearing Josh's shirt, just enough so that Josh is ten times more fearful now than he was earlier.

"Baby, stop fighting." He hisses, beginning to kiss at Josh's neck and toying with his nipple.

"I don't want this. Please, stop!" Josh is sobbing and he just wants to go home. The man manages to worm his hand down Josh's pants and begins to paw on the outside of Josh's underwear.

Suddenly, Josh feels a shot of adrenaline course its way through his body at the feeling of his attacker touching him in one of the most private areas he has. Josh manages to punch the guy in the nose, so hard he knew it did quite some damage. He stumbles off, muttering curse words, and Josh doesn't hesitate to continue defending himself.

He kicks the older man in the stomach, crotch, face, and anywhere he can until the man is unconscious. When Josh knows that he is, he begins running away. He continues to run and run and run until he is outside his apartment complex; away from the house party he was previously at and finally home.

What Josh does immediately is vomit. It wretches up his throat and pours out of him, and the acidity stings his tongue. It takes a few moments before he's emptied almost everything in his stomach, and now he is extremely thirsty.

He stares down and evaluates everything. The vomit covers the sidewalk and he shakily steps around it, letting more sobs leave his body. He's never felt more afraid in his life.

Josh was almost raped.

He showers for an hour after that. Josh knows the environment doesn't need that, but he can't help himself. He uses the yellow scrubber to rub at his skin; letting it burn the scars that cover his body from his younger years. He scrubs at his thighs, his stomach, anywhere to get clean.

Josh just wants to be clean.

 

5.

He's 22.

Josh sits alone on his couch; has been sitting there for about thirty minutes. No real plan to it; just silently waiting for nothing. He's fine.

There is no clear reason as to why Josh was sitting alone in his living room, on his couch, crying silently. Because there really isn't one. But earlier today, he saw his kind-of-ex with another person.

His kind-of-ex is named Debby, and she was beautiful and nice and a great person, but she was also unclear as to what their relationship was. Josh was always introduced as a friend to anyone ins Debby's life, but Debby introduced herself as Josh's girlfriend to those that were in Josh's life. It confused the pansexual boy, so it obviously lead to questions. They were always half-assed and changed often, until a certain fight broke through over it and they decided to break it off.

That part never really hurt Josh. It hurt more being with the girl than it did separating, but just seeing her with a new person hurt. And it was the usual ex meeting that anyone had.

Josh was at the mall, looking through clothes in H&M. It was his go-to store, due to the cheap and nice clothes it had. As he picked out a nice maroon sweater, he suddenly felt the feeling of someone tackling him from behind, and Josh stumbled forward. The person who attacked jumped off a second later, and when Josh turned to see who it was, he saw Debby Ryan. Her sunshine smile radiated beautifully as she began to greet Josh, all the while holding the hand of a tall blonde woman beside her.

"Josh, hi! I haven't seen you in six months! How have you been?" Josh and Debby hug each other properly before Josh responds.

"I've been doing great. Been dabbling with my music lately, just finished a gig yesterday with a local band. Anyway, who's this?" Josh politely questions, motioning to the person standing next to Debby. She looked familiar to Josh, but he just couldn't put his finger on it.

"Oh! Right. This is Jenna, my girlfriend. You two have met once before, actually. At that one party my friend hosted where some dude burnt the fuck out of his finger trying to do a magic trick? Remember?" Josh nods and smiles.

 _Girlfriend._ Good for her.

"Yeah, I do remember. The smell of burnt skin is the worst! And I had a feeling she looked familiar." He's not jealous. Josh has lost feelings for Debby ever since they broke up, but maybe he's jealous about the fact that it's so easy for Debby to introduce Jenna as her girlfriend while Josh could hardly get "buddy" even when strangers asked.

"We've been together for about three months now? Yeah, three months." Debby and Jenna look at each and nod. They look great together.

Debby wouldn't have gotten that far in an introductory conversation with Josh even if his life depended on it.

They chat a little more, and exchange numbers before they all go their separate ways. Debby wants to patch things up, to become friends. And Josh does, too.

His heart aches, though. And he'll get over it, he knows, but just right now, it hurts like hell.

 

+1.

Josh is 23 on June 18, and after he and Debby patched things up, he was celebrating at Debby and Jenna's place.

It wasn't his choice to celebrate, however, due to the fact that when he arrived thinking they were just gonna hang out, it turned out to be a surprise party. Typical for the couple.

Many of the people here were people met through Jenna and Debby, and it's nice knowing that he has more people now than it would have been for his 21st birthday. And even though Josh is reminded of what happened when he was 21, he drinks and has fun, anyway. Because that's just how parties go.

They drunkenly sing happy birthday to Josh (except for Debby and Jenna, who were seemingly the only two at the party going sober the whole time. This was their personal rule, as at least someone had to be sober the whole time to make sure the party went well. And Debby and Jenna always did things together, or not at all, most of the time.)

And Josh was having fun. He loathed the year he gets older every time, especially once he hit his twenties, but he felt better about getting older this time. He felt excited.

Three hours into the party, Jenna drags an unknown person to Josh. They smile awkwardly at each other as Jenna squeals excitedly. The other dude seemed to be around Josh's age, with mocha eyes, a cute nose, and hair that looked cottony soft.

"Josh, this is Tyler! Tyler, this is Josh. I've been trying to introduce you two all night, now go on and get acquainted," Jenna says, squeezing Tyler's shoulders affirmatively. Her blue eyes looked excited before she quickly scattered away, back to where Debby was sitting. She gave Josh a thumbs up upon eye contact.

"Hi."

"Hey."

Josh was only tipsy when they decide to get away from most of the noise to adjourn to the empty upstairs bedroom. It was more of a game room, however, due to how there was a large TV with a Wii and a PS4 with many assorted games going with either console. There was a futon next to the window and a nice couch in front of the TV.

They chose to have a conversation over a game of Smash Bros.

"Jenna said you're into music. Is that true?" Tyler begins. They're choosing their characters now. Tyler chooses Ike and Josh chooses the Wii Fit Trainer.

"Yeah. I don't have my own band, though. I kinda just help out for ones that need a brief replacement. Like if their bassist is sick or if their drummer broke his arm. Just until they get better, then I go and wait for another musical conquest. I can play guitar, bass, and drums, but drums are my main thing. What about you?"

"I have my own band. I write a lot of sad songs. My following is slowly getting to where I can travel to other states now, which is super cool. I love being a local band but expanding my horizons is what I look forward to. I just want my music to inspire people. The more it gets out there, the more lives I hopefully get to help, you know? That sounds kinda edgy but it's what I've always wanted. I want my music to mean something."

"Dude, that's so cool! I can't really write music, but I'm sure your stuff is great. I get what you're saying, it's really cool that you want to help people. I don't really mean much in the band but a lyricist is essential to any music group, so it's honestly amazing you can put your words into something that makes such a great art," Josh responds. He feels excited already, talking to someone new. Usually, it's awkward silence for a good twenty minutes, but this feels good to Josh.

"Everyone in a band is essential. Like, I feel like everyone in the band makes them sound and look unique. So, you actually mean a lot to the band. Even if you're just a step in. And who knows, maybe one day you'll be in a band of your own, and you won't have to worry about being replaced." Josh and Tyler turn to each other, and Tyler smiles a squinty smile that makes Josh feel the happiest he's ever been.

"Thanks." Josh says, blushing. Tyler nods, and they continue playing their game and talking until the early hours of the morning. It's four am when Josh yawns and turns to Tyler, who's already staring at him.

"It feels nice, just talking. It feels like nothing else matters. Thank you for that," Tyler says, as he slowly leans in. Josh does, too, and they kiss for a few seconds. Just an innocent, mouth to mouth peck.

And it's enough.


End file.
